ANNOUNCEMENT

I'm in love.

Also, another thing which is just about the same level of important.

Also, another thing which is marginally less important.

Also: other things which are on a downward slope of importantness, and not important enough to be mentioned here(and the other things are too important to be mentioned here).

eh. I need an 'Ask Ant' question to answer, e-mails to antthefantastic@yahoo.co.uk if you have any questions, suggestions or feedback. Thankyouverymuch.

G.F. Mark II [??]

eh. cryptic blog posts only i understand ftw?

new 'ask ant' question answer thingy to be done soon(or not, apparently. eh).

How can you tell when a lad is lying?

You don't ask much do you?

If we could work out when people were lying the world would be a much better, more straight-forward place. Just imagine: politicians would have to be nice, no advert breaks, no unscrupulous farting accusations, no lie detector on Trisha.

But in reality, lying is as common as sneezing - and a large chunk of the fibs are told by boys to girls. Whether it's a little lie ('I know she's a model, but she doesn't really do it for me') or a big lie ('Of course I didn't feel up your sister') there's often no way of spotting the porkies.

Apparently, body language is the giveaway, like if he avoids eye contact or fidgets like a horny monkey. But common sense is just as useful. Sometimes girls make the mistake of believing what they want - and this lets lying boys off the hook. Is it likely that he 'loves' you if he never calls? Do you really think he 'played snooker with his nan' four nights on the trot?

There are more practical ways to find out if he's full of BS. You could skim through his text inbox when he's in the bog, or hire a private detective. But I don't encourage those options. If I did every boy in the world would want to fight me (I'd have them all, but that's not the point). Anyway, most fibs come out in the end, you needn't worry too much.

But then again, I could be lying...*

*Disclaimer: I am not actually lying.*²

*² But then again, I could be lying...*³

*³Disclaimer: I am not actually lying.

operation: marathon complete

3:05:42

=D

Do boys worry about kissing and sex?

If you gave a random boy the keys to a spaceship and told him to go and blow up some evil aliens, he'd probably want to run to the toilet for a poo. Kissing and sex are a bit like that.

The idea of cruising around in a rocket and nuking nasty green men sounds ace, but if you've never done it before it's just… well, scary. You probably wouldn't even be able to get the thing started… and if you did, you'd no doubt crash and burn in embarrassing fashion. People would laugh at you and say you were the worst spaceman ever. No thanks, we'll stick to watching Doctor Who for now.

In this way, girls are very much like spaceships. A fine-looking piece of kit… but how the hell do you turn it on? Kissing and sex are enticing and petrifying to boys in equal measure… especially if we haven't done them before. Not that you're likely to find a lad who tells you he's never ragged a girl. But even if we brag about how brilliant we are, most of the time we're trembling inside.

If we do have some experience, it still takes a while to acquire confidence… plus there's more pressure on boys to know all the ins and outs, so to speak. Rest assured that until we've taken that spaceship to heaven and back, we worry just as much as you about how to ride it.

Coke Conundrum

so. I've got this bottle of diet coke, and I've drunk like two thirds of it or so, and it makes the perfect sound when you blow into it, and now I don't want to drink the rest because it will ruin the acoustics.

Conundrum.

younger boys and lazy texters

A huge thank you to the two girls who sent in these questions, if you have any boy queries, feel free to send them to antthefantastic@yahoo.co.uk

Q) I'm 17, is it weird for me to fancy a boy who's two years younger than me?
A) It's not weird to fancy anyone. Younger boys, older girls, fit teachers, sexy sheep (actually that is weird, unless you're a sheep). You can't help who you fancy. So if some fresh-faced Year 10 hunk is floating your boat, fine. There's nothing wrong with you. True, it's more common for younger girls to go with older lads than the other way round, but that's because most younger lads are annoying, childish gimp-rats. And your lad is different.

Or is he?

Make sure you consider his motives. For a 15-year-old lad, pulling any girl over 16 gives him more street cred than scoring the winner in the FA Cup Final and on the same day finding out he's been declared head of Tokyo's most feared Yakuza family. Way cool. So make sure he's not just interested because it makes him look gangsta. Plus, he might not be as mature as he seems - although you'll work that out soon enough when he tries to fart on your head for a laugh. He could also be less 'experienced' than you - you know what I mean. And he's more likely to worship the ground you walk on, which could be a good or a bad thing. But you won't know till you've tried, so by all means give him a shot.

Oh, and by the way - if you do go out with this lad, it will be illegal for the two of you have sex because he's underage.

But I'm sure you guys would never have dreamed of doing that.

Q) What does it mean when every time I text a guy he leaves a 2 or 3 day gap before replying back?
A) A possible reason he's so slack is that he's not bothered about it. He received your text, forgot about it pretty much instantly, then a few days later, out of politeness, sent a token reply while he was bored and sitting on a bus.

You're an after-thought. A mild inconvenience. Possibly. But not necessarily…

There are two other key factors: 1) the regularity of your own texting; 2) the nature of his replies. If they seem dismissive, that's bad.

But if they're thoughtful or funny - or contain questions designed to keep the chat going - you may be in luck.

Now I think about it, there are lots of possibilities…

1) He's semi-interested and is just taking it slow while he figures you out.

2) He's a serially lazy texter. Ask his mates about his normal speed.

3) He is crazy about you but has low texting self-esteem; meaning he's so keen to impress you that it takes him at least two days to concoct a message that he deems suitably witty.

4) He only texts you when it suits him (i.e. when he wants to see you).

5) He kind of likes you but he's also text-flirting with various other girls and replies to you all on a rota system.

6) He fancies you but is intentionally appearing aloof and/or mysterious to keep you interested (this is more likely if you leave similar gaps between replying to him).

7) He has huge, furry hands and it takes him hours to write a text (this is more likely if he's a bear).

8) He's tight and/or skint and only wants to use his credit when absolutely necessary.

9) He's slightly deranged and regularly crawls into ditches and remains there for 2/3 days.

FYI, from that list, number 6 is most likely. Lots of lads like to "play it cool" - because it often works.

So, in summary, I've probably just confused you even more. Sorry. Maybe you should call and ask him?

Quick-fire Questions and Answers

Q) Why do boys fall asleep after sex?
A) Because boys suck. And something to do with prolactin and other chemicals which make us feel sleepy. After sex should be snuggly-talky time, which it is for me and my lovely wife, but contrary to popular belief I don't control the entire male populace of the world. Sozzeh.

Q) Why are boys silly?
A) Because it is built into our braaaaaaaaaains, BRAINS I TELL YOU. <-- See.

Q) How is Batman so comfortable running around in rubber?
A) Lubricant. Lots and lots of lubricant.

Q) How are you?
A) Very well, thanks.

Q) Why do boys like blow jobs so much?
A) Because it feels good? I think it's a pretty unfair deal to be honest, you're on your knees with your head around his waist in some fashion, pleasuring him until he finishes, then it is up to you to clean up while he basks in the satisfaction. Unfair, or what? I'm with the girls on this one.

Q) What do boys expect on a first date?
A) The main thing we expect is that you turn up; and that you don't reek of wee. After that, you're on easy street. Boys expect nothing, but will accept anything. If you offered sex, 90% would take the opportunity with both hands. If you offer him a food hamper or a television he'll take that too. But that doesn't mean we expect it. In fact it would probably make us like you less in the long run (not the food hamper bit - that would be genius).

If we expect anything on a first date, it'll be some form of kiss. He'll know the onus is on him to make the move, so keep your eyes peeled for an awkward lunge. There's no obligation to kiss him back, but if you don't he might assume you're not interested. There's also nothing to stop you moving in for the snog if it feels right - frankly it will save him a lot of bother. And it's sure to work... providing - as discussed - you don't smell of wee. I'm sure you don't, though.


And with that, I finish.

Does a boy prefer a girl to be shaved 'downstairs'?

I feel sorry for girls when it comes to hair... no one lets you have any.

Under arms, on legs, above lips - all outlawed. At this rate you'll all end up looking like Dr Evil... and boys will have only themselves to blame.

Along with the head, the "lady-garden" is the last bastion of acceptable female hairiness.

But from reading magazines, you'd think furry muffs were going out of fashion quicker than Robbie Williams.

Who decided that pubes are no longer cool? I reckon it's just a fad. Maybe in 100 years it will be deemed sexy to have one leg shorter than the other, and trendy chicks everywhere will be lopping off limbs to make boys like them.

Or maybe things will reverse - and the fittest supermodel will be the one who can grow the longest beard. Anything could happen, even dungarees could come back in (actually, that's a lie, dungarees will never come back in).

My point is you shouldn't feel forced into doing anything to your body. Just do whatever makes you feel comfortable.

For boys, it's not such a big deal. Granted, some prefer bald beavers. But most wouldn't be bothered either way, while others will actually find it a bit weird.

If things start going a bit Kings of Leon down below, then we'll certainly appreciate a trim-up.

But really we're just honoured to see your bits... we're in no position to tell you what to do with them.