ant's electronic think tank

How do I know if I'm coming on too strong?

2008-10-12T11:12:00.001+01:00

Imagine you're in a pet shop, choosing a kitten.

(Ponder that thought for a bit. It's fun...)

One kitten bowls straight up to you and starts nuzzling your leg and purring. It's so affectionate and playful and cute.

Behind is another kitten. It sits staring nervously at you with its kitten cat eyes (like puppy dog eyes but on a cat). It's so timid and vulnerable and cute.

Which one do you choose?

There's no right answer. Different people go for different things. That's why it's tricky to know how to act around lads.

Girls are a lot like kittens: pretty and sweet, fun to touch but difficult to talk to.

Boys like it when girls throw themselves at them, but it can be more fulfilling to pull a girl who seemed like a challenge.

So there's a delicate balancing act between playing it cool and chasing a boy through the streets in your underwear shouting: "I love you, sexy bum!" (I use this example because it happened to me last week).

The good news is that if a lad really likes you, you'd have to do something pretty drastic to put him off, like punch a kitten. So by all means flirt outrageously.

The bad news is that if you offer yourself on a plate, a boy might just take advantage of your easiness, even if he doesn't like you much.

But at least coming on strong normally settles matters, one way or another. If you flash your baps at a boy and he runs away, chances are he wasn't interested and you can move on (providing he doesn't report you to the police).

Just remember that some people will pick the shy kitten, leaving the leg-nuzzling outgoing kitten without an owner, on the streets, licking out the sticky remnants of empty drinks cans just to survive.

I'm sure that won't happen to you though.

LONG OVERDUE

2008-09-15T20:05:00.002+01:00

Here comes a bumper edition of 'Ask Ant', because it's been a while.

For the people who sent in questions, and for Carly. <3

If my bf spends hours with a "mate" does that mean he's cheating?

Yes, definitely, is the answer to this.

In fact, from what you've told me, I'm pretty sure this so-called "mate" is your bf's homosexual lover. And given the vagueness of this term "mate", I think we can safely assume that the homosexual lover in question is Steve McFadden, the Eastenders hard man. I mean, how could it not be? Well done for catching your bf out.

Hopefully you've deduced that I'm being a facetious jerk which I'm only doing because your question seems rather ludicrous. Unless you're certain your bf has no mates, I can't work out why you're suspicious.

Boys love spending hours on end with their mates; listening to music and playing video games and searching for animal porn. Just because you're his girlfriend, you can't expect him to ditch them, or even to spend less time with them. I think you just need to chill.

Having said all that, this doesn't mean he's not cheating.

I'm assuming there are other reasons you suspect your bf is up to no good. If you're unsure about this "mate", at least find out which mate it is. Just ask some more questions. Grill him. He'll either put your mind at rest, or crack under the pressure.

And if it does turn out the cheeky blighter is enjoying candlelit dinners with Phil Mitchell, just don't say I didn't warn you.

Do boys like it when girls wear lipgloss?

Right, don't tell me. Which one is lipgloss?

Is it the same as lipstick? Or is it something you put on top of lipstick to make it shiny? I reckon it's either that, or it's an alternative to lipstick: a shinier, glossier version of lipstick. It must be one of those two, right? Or it could be just another name for lipstick.

I'll be honest, I'm not sure. And I'll wager that a large proportion of boys aren't sure either.

Boys do appreciate nice lips on a girl. But my hunch is that nice lips would look nice even if there wasn't any lipgloss on them.

That's the thing about make-up. We don't quite get it. You could spend three hours slapping pretty gunk onto your mush just to impress us - and we wouldn't notice a thing. We'll just assume we're looking at your normal face, which is the point I suppose.

I'll try to answer your question anyway. I don't think boys have anything against shiny lips, so the answer to your question is probably yes: boys do like lipgloss, as long your lips aren't so shiny that we can see our face in them (although this could be useful if we need to do our hair).

I apologise for being unhelpful, but there is really no glossing over the fact that I am quite ignorant in this area. Once I find out exactly what lipgloss is, I'm almost certain to start wearing it myself.

Do boys have emotions?

You've made a common mistake here, which is to confuse boys with insects.

Insects don't have emotions. They just eat, poo and chase lady insects, without ever really thinking about it. OK, so they are quite similar to boys. But really, boys have all the same emotions girls do, they just don't show them as often.

Take the most obvious display of emotion: crying. Girls are massive cry-babies. They literally cry if they break a fingernail. Sometimes they even cry on purpose if it suits them.

But if a boy cried in public, other boys would beat him up, which would make him cry even more, which would get him beaten up again, and so on.

There are only three acceptable reasons for a boy to cry: if someone dies, if he gets shot or if he accidentally drops crisps. It is unacceptable to cry due to minor physical pain, during soppy films or for anything to do with a girl.

This doesn't mean we don't often feel like crying, or that we don't do it in private. Personally, I spend most of my free time at home in tears.

The same goes for other emotions. Boys are just as likely to get emotionally attached to a girl they like. They get equally jealous or insecure or elated. But to show it would just seem a bit girly.

In extreme cases, boys might make such an effort to conceal their emotions that they even succeed in hoodwinking themselves. Then they'll be sad and they won't even know why. Even an insect wouldn't be that stupid.

With boys and bugs, to find out what's really inside, you need to look beyond the hard exterior.

Can a boy love two girls at once?

2008-07-22T08:33:00.000+01:00

Hmm, well it depends what you mean by love.

I'd say there are all sorts of levels of love. Level 2 might be the love you feel for a pet goldfish or a favourite flavour of crisps. Level 20 is the kind of love that inspires people to get engaged and write bad song lyrics. It's the levels in between that cause problems.

Don't get upset, but I reckon the Levels Theory (which, admittedly, I have just invented) makes it possible for boys to love at least two girls at once.

Most people will fall in love more than once in a lifetime. Some people do it more than once a year. But you love people different amounts - and for different reasons. One girl might have a big heart (levels 11-15); another might have a big swimming pool (levels 4-6).

All these levels make it quite common for boys to love exes and girlfriends and other people's girlfriends all at the same time. But there will always be one girl he loves more than the others. So it doesn't really matter, as long as that's the girl he's with.

You might argue that the lower levels of love (e.g. crisp love) aren't really love at all - and you might be right. But they could still feel like love. Ideally, you'll all meet boys that love you at level 20, making all other love incidental, but that rarely happens, and love levels take time to grow to there.

But to increase your chances, it wouldn't hurt to get yourself a swimming pool

Why do boys do stuff with girls they don't really like?

2008-07-19T14:50:00.000+01:00

Stuff. The most ambiguous word in the English language.

I wonder if you mean general stuff - like going to the cinema or playing Snap or breakdancing. If so, a boy wouldn't want to do these things with a girl he didn't like.

Playing Snap - for instance - is good, but it's better with someone you like. Otherwise your opponent would annoy you and lessen your enjoyment of the game and you'd want to throw cards at their head but couldn't because it would be inappropriate. That's pretty straight-forward.

Or are you talking about other kinds of "stuff" - like kissing and touching each other's legs? This is different.

Boys can wait for the right Snap partner to come along. But opportunities for "stuff" might not be so plentiful.

In fact, they might be so treasured that boys will snap up virtually every one they get. There's a term for this: desperate.

Plus, boys like girls in two very different ways: as people, and as objects. Even if we think a girl's an idiot, we'll happily put this to one side if they're an attractive object, for the sake of "stuff".

So we'll actually be doing "stuff" with the object, rather than the person. Shocking, I know.

So to sum up: a boy won't play Snap with someone he doesn't like, but he will let them touch his legs.

If you want to find out if a boy actually likes you as a person, challenge him to a game of Snap (or other general stuff) before doing "stuff" stuff.

If he's only after one thing: you can tell him to get stuffed.

MEMORIES

2008-07-12T09:07:00.000+01:00

good times. <3

Haikus and Shoes (or: they're like works of art for your feet!)

2008-06-26T19:36:00.003+01:00

Manolo Blahnik,
Crazy, overpriced shoes, but
For you: it's worth it.

For seriously,
I'd be more than happy to
Get you some. Visit!

<3

XX

2008-06-21T09:25:00.001+01:00

AIEE!!

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG.

OMG.

OMG.

WIN.

Pixie Madness

2008-06-07T11:01:00.000+01:00

PuppyFun ftw!

Is it okay to be mates with a guy you used to date?

2008-06-01T20:55:00.003+01:00

In theory, guys you used to date could be brilliant mates. And centipedes could be brilliant footballers. In theory.

The harsh reality is that centipedes are embarrassingly bad at football, no matter how many legs they've got. And it can be hard to stay friends with an ex, no matter how much you like them. An amicable break-up is always preferable to a bitter shouting match that ends with you letting down the tires on his car. But often the end result is the same. you lose contact.

Even if you intend to be friends, it's all too easy to drift apart. Plus you have to contend with the green-eyed monster. I mean jealousy, not the gigantic mutant moth that lives inside my wardrobe. If you can handle seeing your ex with his tongue inside another girl's face, fine. But a more common reaction is a sudden urge to let down the tires on his car. And maybe tamper with the brakes while you're at it.

This is a shame, because there are various advantages to keeping an ex sweet - damage limitation for one. If you're still mates he's less likely to spread rumours, or tell people about your weird obsessive phobia of moths.

But more importantly, your ex knows you better than most - and a good friendship is always worth fighting for.

Staying friends with an ex is definitely ok but, like teaching centipedes the offside rule, it's easier said than done.

!

2008-05-30T17:20:00.001+01:00

Sex.
Is.
Awesome.

Also: Sex and the City.

x&y

2008-05-18T16:07:00.001+01:00

Operation GF is confirmed and underway.

Eee.

<3

How do boys feel when girls make the first move?

2008-05-09T19:26:00.000+01:00

Top three things that boys fear most:

1) Public humiliation
2) Public humiliation in front of a girl
3) Moths with special powers*

*this is actually number 1, I just didn't want to appear scared of moths in front of all the girls that read this

So, aside from the spectre of a bleak future governed by mutant moths, moving in on a girl is what scares us boys the most. Meaning that when chicks try to get off with us, we're very grateful.

There's just too much pressure on boys. If you time a first move to perfection, thunder will crackle overhead as your lips meet in an embrace so intense you're both oblivious to the rain pelting down onto your drenched bodies.

If you time it badly, you'll release an involuntary beef crisp burp onto her upper lip. Then you notice you're being watched by a urinating tramp.

It's a fine line between Hugh Grant and Avram Grant. So it's no wonder boys are wracked with nerves when they're expected to act. He might be so scared he does nothing at all, even if he's dead keen. In which case you may be forced to put him out of his misery. He'll appreciate it.

That said, you have to at least give him a chance. Although it's great when girls jump boys, it's kind of more romantic when boys jump girls. Try to make it easy for him, but if he's useless - pounce.

Ideally, it should work either way - boys and girls can both make the first move. My advice is: follow your heart, embrace spontaneity and - please, please - don't ever trust a moth.

Am return

2008-05-08T19:07:00.000+01:00

Work is ridiculously busy. Life is ridiculously awesome.

GHERHHRE FJAWE%N£$ ^EUaeR£JR"!"¬JE£GH"!"J!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so happy that only a hitting-random-keys-on-keyboard session could express it truly.

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

ri$"HFNerj8w3uqytdhhee!!!

Best Birthday Present Ever?

2008-05-03T14:23:00.002+01:00

Probably not, but it's pretty freakin' close.

I think she'll like it.

Hiatus from posts until: mid-next-week, probably.

Impromptu Jumpstyle Session

2008-05-02T20:45:00.001+01:00

Good times, good times.

ANNOUNCEMENT

2008-04-29T16:43:00.004+01:00

I'm in love.

Also, another thing which is just about the same level of important.

Also, another thing which is marginally less important.

Also: other things which are on a downward slope of importantness, and not important enough to be mentioned here(and the other things are too important to be mentioned here).

eh. I need an 'Ask Ant' question to answer, e-mails to antthefantastic@yahoo.co.uk if you have any questions, suggestions or feedback. Thankyouverymuch.

G.F. Mark II [??]

2008-04-26T18:55:00.004+01:00

eh. cryptic blog posts only i understand ftw?

new 'ask ant' question answer thingy to be done soon(or not, apparently. eh).

How can you tell when a lad is lying?

2008-04-20T08:34:00.002+01:00

You don't ask much do you?

If we could work out when people were lying the world would be a much better, more straight-forward place. Just imagine: politicians would have to be nice, no advert breaks, no unscrupulous farting accusations, no lie detector on Trisha.

But in reality, lying is as common as sneezing - and a large chunk of the fibs are told by boys to girls. Whether it's a little lie ('I know she's a model, but she doesn't really do it for me') or a big lie ('Of course I didn't feel up your sister') there's often no way of spotting the porkies.

Apparently, body language is the giveaway, like if he avoids eye contact or fidgets like a horny monkey. But common sense is just as useful. Sometimes girls make the mistake of believing what they want - and this lets lying boys off the hook. Is it likely that he 'loves' you if he never calls? Do you really think he 'played snooker with his nan' four nights on the trot?

There are more practical ways to find out if he's full of BS. You could skim through his text inbox when he's in the bog, or hire a private detective. But I don't encourage those options. If I did every boy in the world would want to fight me (I'd have them all, but that's not the point). Anyway, most fibs come out in the end, you needn't worry too much.

But then again, I could be lying...*

*Disclaimer: I am not actually lying.*²

*² But then again, I could be lying...*³

*³Disclaimer: I am not actually lying.

operation: marathon complete

2008-04-13T17:31:00.000+01:00

3:05:42

=D

Do boys worry about kissing and sex?

2008-04-12T10:59:00.001+01:00

If you gave a random boy the keys to a spaceship and told him to go and blow up some evil aliens, he'd probably want to run to the toilet for a poo. Kissing and sex are a bit like that.

The idea of cruising around in a rocket and nuking nasty green men sounds ace, but if you've never done it before it's just… well, scary. You probably wouldn't even be able to get the thing started… and if you did, you'd no doubt crash and burn in embarrassing fashion. People would laugh at you and say you were the worst spaceman ever. No thanks, we'll stick to watching Doctor Who for now.

In this way, girls are very much like spaceships. A fine-looking piece of kit… but how the hell do you turn it on? Kissing and sex are enticing and petrifying to boys in equal measure… especially if we haven't done them before. Not that you're likely to find a lad who tells you he's never ragged a girl. But even if we brag about how brilliant we are, most of the time we're trembling inside.

If we do have some experience, it still takes a while to acquire confidence… plus there's more pressure on boys to know all the ins and outs, so to speak. Rest assured that until we've taken that spaceship to heaven and back, we worry just as much as you about how to ride it.

Coke Conundrum

2008-04-07T13:31:00.003+01:00

so. I've got this bottle of diet coke, and I've drunk like two thirds of it or so, and it makes the perfect sound when you blow into it, and now I don't want to drink the rest because it will ruin the acoustics.

Conundrum.

younger boys and lazy texters

2008-04-04T20:58:00.006+01:00

A huge thank you to the two girls who sent in these questions, if you have any boy queries, feel free to send them to antthefantastic@yahoo.co.uk

Q) I'm 17, is it weird for me to fancy a boy who's two years younger than me?
A) It's not weird to fancy anyone. Younger boys, older girls, fit teachers, sexy sheep (actually that is weird, unless you're a sheep). You can't help who you fancy. So if some fresh-faced Year 10 hunk is floating your boat, fine. There's nothing wrong with you. True, it's more common for younger girls to go with older lads than the other way round, but that's because most younger lads are annoying, childish gimp-rats. And your lad is different.

Or is he?

Make sure you consider his motives. For a 15-year-old lad, pulling any girl over 16 gives him more street cred than scoring the winner in the FA Cup Final and on the same day finding out he's been declared head of Tokyo's most feared Yakuza family. Way cool. So make sure he's not just interested because it makes him look gangsta. Plus, he might not be as mature as he seems - although you'll work that out soon enough when he tries to fart on your head for a laugh. He could also be less 'experienced' than you - you know what I mean. And he's more likely to worship the ground you walk on, which could be a good or a bad thing. But you won't know till you've tried, so by all means give him a shot.

Oh, and by the way - if you do go out with this lad, it will be illegal for the two of you have sex because he's underage.

But I'm sure you guys would never have dreamed of doing that.

Q) What does it mean when every time I text a guy he leaves a 2 or 3 day gap before replying back?
A) A possible reason he's so slack is that he's not bothered about it. He received your text, forgot about it pretty much instantly, then a few days later, out of politeness, sent a token reply while he was bored and sitting on a bus.

You're an after-thought. A mild inconvenience. Possibly. But not necessarily…

There are two other key factors: 1) the regularity of your own texting; 2) the nature of his replies. If they seem dismissive, that's bad.

But if they're thoughtful or funny - or contain questions designed to keep the chat going - you may be in luck.

Now I think about it, there are lots of possibilities…

1) He's semi-interested and is just taking it slow while he figures you out.

2) He's a serially lazy texter. Ask his mates about his normal speed.

3) He is crazy about you but has low texting self-esteem; meaning he's so keen to impress you that it takes him at least two days to concoct a message that he deems suitably witty.

4) He only texts you when it suits him (i.e. when he wants to see you).

5) He kind of likes you but he's also text-flirting with various other girls and replies to you all on a rota system.

6) He fancies you but is intentionally appearing aloof and/or mysterious to keep you interested (this is more likely if you leave similar gaps between replying to him).

7) He has huge, furry hands and it takes him hours to write a text (this is more likely if he's a bear).

8) He's tight and/or skint and only wants to use his credit when absolutely necessary.

9) He's slightly deranged and regularly crawls into ditches and remains there for 2/3 days.

FYI, from that list, number 6 is most likely. Lots of lads like to "play it cool" - because it often works.

So, in summary, I've probably just confused you even more. Sorry. Maybe you should call and ask him?

Quick-fire Questions and Answers

2008-04-04T20:34:00.002+01:00

Q) Why do boys fall asleep after sex?
A) Because boys suck. And something to do with prolactin and other chemicals which make us feel sleepy. After sex should be snuggly-talky time, which it is for me and my lovely wife, but contrary to popular belief I don't control the entire male populace of the world. Sozzeh.

Q) Why are boys silly?
A) Because it is built into our braaaaaaaaaains, BRAINS I TELL YOU. <-- See.

Q) How is Batman so comfortable running around in rubber?
A) Lubricant. Lots and lots of lubricant.

Q) How are you?
A) Very well, thanks.

Q) Why do boys like blow jobs so much?
A) Because it feels good? I think it's a pretty unfair deal to be honest, you're on your knees with your head around his waist in some fashion, pleasuring him until he finishes, then it is up to you to clean up while he basks in the satisfaction. Unfair, or what? I'm with the girls on this one.

Q) What do boys expect on a first date?
A) The main thing we expect is that you turn up; and that you don't reek of wee. After that, you're on easy street. Boys expect nothing, but will accept anything. If you offered sex, 90% would take the opportunity with both hands. If you offer him a food hamper or a television he'll take that too. But that doesn't mean we expect it. In fact it would probably make us like you less in the long run (not the food hamper bit - that would be genius).

If we expect anything on a first date, it'll be some form of kiss. He'll know the onus is on him to make the move, so keep your eyes peeled for an awkward lunge. There's no obligation to kiss him back, but if you don't he might assume you're not interested. There's also nothing to stop you moving in for the snog if it feels right - frankly it will save him a lot of bother. And it's sure to work... providing - as discussed - you don't smell of wee. I'm sure you don't, though.

And with that, I finish.

Does a boy prefer a girl to be shaved 'downstairs'?

2008-04-03T19:05:00.003+01:00

I feel sorry for girls when it comes to hair... no one lets you have any.

Under arms, on legs, above lips - all outlawed. At this rate you'll all end up looking like Dr Evil... and boys will have only themselves to blame.

Along with the head, the "lady-garden" is the last bastion of acceptable female hairiness.

But from reading magazines, you'd think furry muffs were going out of fashion quicker than Robbie Williams.

Who decided that pubes are no longer cool? I reckon it's just a fad. Maybe in 100 years it will be deemed sexy to have one leg shorter than the other, and trendy chicks everywhere will be lopping off limbs to make boys like them.

Or maybe things will reverse - and the fittest supermodel will be the one who can grow the longest beard. Anything could happen, even dungarees could come back in (actually, that's a lie, dungarees will never come back in).

My point is you shouldn't feel forced into doing anything to your body. Just do whatever makes you feel comfortable.

For boys, it's not such a big deal. Granted, some prefer bald beavers. But most wouldn't be bothered either way, while others will actually find it a bit weird.

If things start going a bit Kings of Leon down below, then we'll certainly appreciate a trim-up.

But really we're just honoured to see your bits... we're in no position to tell you what to do with them.

Haikus!

2008-03-28T21:37:00.010Z

For Carly:

Too long since our last
Real conversation - I miss
You Carly. Schnoofle.

For Laura:

Be still my beating
Heart. I see you and I can't
help but to smile.

Laura. I love you.
Plain and simple but oh-so
True. Marriage is win.

And seriously,
Fairy-tale romance? Psh!
I have things better.

And seventeen syllables of advice for you all:

Don't ask a rhino
A true-or-false question, he
will just mow you down.

Why do guys never want to be just mates, they always want something more?

2008-03-19T19:55:00.003Z

Okay. You're a girl. Sell yourself (as a mate, please do not join a prostitution ring).

I bet you don't like football, you never remember jokes, you're useless at starting fires, you like rubbish music and you completely over-react if someone gives you a dead arm. Am I right? That's why boys don't want to be mates with you.

On the other hand, I bet you have jugs and lovely soft hair. Don't try to deny it. So yes, boys are generally mates with other boys, while they prefer to do other stuff with girls.

But if you think lads don't sometimes have genuine girl mates, that's just silly. If a boy thinks a girl is a cool person, he'll happily be her mate, no strings attached.

However, if you're ridiculously fit, in an obvious kind of way, then virtually every boy will entertain thoughts of 'something more', which could get irritating. But it can work both ways. Boy-girl friendships are often unequal and it's just as likely the girl has an unrequited crush.

If a 'mate' does fancy you, just make it totally and utterly clear you're not interested. It will stop them getting hurt more in the long-run. Then maybe you can still be friends afterwards.

Or you could just start a massive fire; he'll be well impressed.

DISCLAIMER: Please don't actually start a massive fire.

Why do boys like breasts so much?

2008-03-15T07:36:00.003Z

Because they're wicked, is all I can offer. Well actually there is a genetic reason; apparently it's because they look like bums. But surely that begs the question: why do boys like bums? And I'm not sure I can answer that. But basically boys are programmed to like breasts and we can't do anything about it.

Anyway, what's not to like? They're soft, which means they can't hurt you even if you accidentally smashed your head against them - and you can't say that about many body parts. Plus they're kind of bouncy - and I defy you to name anything bouncy that is bad.

There's also the fact we rarely get to see them in real life. If girls everywhere insisted on always wearing earmuffs, I bet boys would be well into ears, you get me? Or maybe it's simply because we haven't got any, meaning our only access to baps is via girls. I've always wondered if lesbians like breasts as much as boys do. In fact I've been meaning to ask a lesbian this but keep forgetting. But now I'm just groping around desperately (for an explanation). It's clear there is no definitive answer.

Lovely stuff.

Handsome, Cute, or Hot? Which do lads prefer to be called?

2008-03-09T12:51:00.003Z

-for Carly, who is missing my blogs: And Sarah, who actually asked the question-
-and for you, who is actually reading it, thxx-

I am clearly the most adept to be answering such a question, because I am regularly called all three. I have also been labelled as 'Adonis-like', 'Majestic', and 'a liar'.

Ok, let's consider the connotations. Handsome is fine, but it's probably also the word your Nan would use to describe you (Rule number one of pulling boys: never do anything that makes him think of his nan). Handsome sounds like something you might admire from a distance. A horse, for example. It's an acknowledgement of beauty, rather than a declared interest.

Cute can work both ways. You have to be careful how you use it. For example, rabbits are cute, but you wouldn't want to snog one(at least, I hope not). Slightly idiotic and juvenile behaviour can also be classed as cute. It borders on the patronising. But it can also be great to be called cute, because at it's best, it indicates someone thinks you're fit and a nice person.

Hot is different. It's purely looks-based. If you think someone's hot, it's pretty much guaranteed you wouldn't mind sticking your tongue down their throat. This is the exact reaction that boys want. So, it's never a bad thing to be called hot, unless you have a fever or are literally on fire. In which case, you would probably prefer to be showered with water rather than compliments.

So, in summary: number one is hot. It's a lad's best indicator he might get some action, because it's something his Nan would never say, unless she was referring to the heating.

i asked for more interesting things to happen in life...

2008-02-23T14:55:00.001Z

i didn't mean this.

i need some more interesting things to happen in my life so i can blog about them

2008-02-16T13:35:00.005Z

Travelled for ninety
Minutes to get there, only
to find, it's cancelled.

Yep, so our team had a big(well, huge, really) cup game against Folkestone Invicta who are... 4 divisions above us, I think. Maybe more, whatever. We got there to discover they'd decided to cancel the game because the pitch was frozen solid - us not being wusses we decided to have a knock-around anyway, which was pretty fun.

I'm reckoning Folkestone are pretty much lame after this, didn't even have the thought to give us a call before we actually got there, noobs.

Let's all point the finger of shame.

Shame on you, Folkestone Invicta, shame on you.

Anywho, our new sponsorship for the club is awesome, and we all got our new kits today =) it's AMAZING. we all have matching tracksuits with the logo on as well and everything, it's brilliant. Also: apparently it's against the rules to play a penguin in a football game - no fair =( silly FA rules. But it is rules that keep us together.

If we didn't have any rules, where would we be? France.

If we had too many rules, where would we be? Germany.

If we had rules where a coked up alcoholic fat cheating midget was our national hero, where would we be? Argentina! Never forgive, never forget.

Also: if you liked that haiku at the beginning(I won't be surprised if you don't, it was awful) and you are not Carly, then head on over to http://seventeensyllables.wordpress.com for a (mostly) daily slice of haiku. Even if you didn't like it, go over there anyway because they're good. Unlike mine. :\

Moral of the story: Folkestone is lose, Carly are win.

oo, carly.

2008-02-13T12:08:00.003Z

Not a man on earth!

Not a (straight) one who could dig

opera - no hope!

My brother's history teacher(/my amico) is dashing, knowledgeable and likes opera.(and is straight)

KTHXBAI.

do boys really find skinny girls unattractive

2008-02-13T12:03:00.002Z

Cameron Diaz: no thanks. Nicole Kidman: pass me the sick bucket. Keira Knightley: stop texting me. Okay, I'm being silly, there are plenty of lovely skinny chicks around.

Some boys prefer slim figures, but that doesn't mean you should start sticking your fingers down your throat every time you eat a cheese sandwich. We like curvy girls too - and anything in between. What I'm saying is, we're not fussy.

Boys are miffed when girls obsess over their weight. You might slate lads for being immature and stuff, but boys think there's nothing more stupid than girls crying over fluctuations in their body mass.

It's stupid if you're doing it for boys because we don't even notice! It's like cooking a beef stew for a vegetarian, or writing a love letter to a spider. They just won't appreciate it.

Clearly, there's such a thing as too skinny. If boys picked an ideal weight for a girl, it wouldn't be size zero or anything resembling it. Boys prefer some shape - so the "as-thin-as-you-can-possibly-get" look is never going to be a wise one.

But ridiculous unnatural extremes are the only things a boy will find really unattractive, whether it's a bag of bones or a wobbly blob weighing over 6000000lbs.

If you're just naturally small, lucky you. And if you're naturally big, lucky you too. And if you're Keira Knightley: seriously, stop texting me.

children + swimming pool = chaos

2008-02-12T14:45:00.000Z

1 child = fun
2-3 children = brilliant
4-6 children = manageable
9 children or more = MADNESS

eventful (hysterical?) day

2008-02-11T18:06:00.000Z

oh, matteo. how much of a fool you are.

for those not in the know, matt's my brother. and is possibly the daftest person in all existence ever. ...seriously, ever.

right, the day starts off easily enough, i went over to my mam's, where rosa(my cousin) and annie(rosa's girlfriend/partner) are staying, and we hung out for much of the morning, before i got a call from my brother, asking if i was around and wanted to help out at a nursery for a bit of a laugh. i figure what the heck, and decide to do it, and boy am i glad i did.

okay, we get there without a hitch, and are introduced to the nursery manager and other helper people, and get given name tag things, and we go meet some of the kids. within 5 minutes, matt's jacket has been stolen by one of the girls called alice, and thus begins the spiral of downward events.

2) matt discovers the water bottle in his bag has burst, soaking the entire bag and it's contents... including his iPod and phone. ouch. so he puts them out on the heater to dry them out, and we investigate the damage done during lunch, where matt manages to somehow drop his phone, iPod and phone memory card into a bowl of gravy.(3)

4) annoyed by this point, matt decides to forget about the electronic ruinage and just go play with some of the kids, and we settle down to a game of crab football, where matt manages to kick a ball straight into one of the kids faces, thus meaning he gets absolutely SLATED by many of the children for being a bad person.

5) moments later, the aforementioned alice is up to mischief again, and becomes obsessed with pulling down mine or, preferably, my brother's shorts. she succeeds on matt. several times.

6) 6 or 7 children manage to tackle matt to the floor... on solid concrete.

7) matt manages to break my bike, meaning i am relegated to receiving a backie on his, where i proceed to lose balance and pull back on him a little, meaning he slips from the seat and gets a thorough rubbing from the back-wheel on his buttocks.

8+9) still sore, we manage to get home and try to fully distinguish the extent of the damage to iPod and phone. the outlook's not good, neither will turn on, and matt has many, many contacts and pictures/videos/other things on his phone, but thaaankfully, they're backed up on the (once gravy-soaked) memory card. oone problem... it doesn't fit into any phone around, mine, laura's, my parents, my cousin's, or annie's. uh-oh. but wait! we have a card-adaptor lying around, what's this? something going right for once? ...no. it fits into my phone (yay) but we can't access the contacts on there... uh-oh. and we also can't connect my phone to the computer to look at the data on there. uh-oh.

10[+11?]) matt is fuming by this point, and decides he's going to go back to his friend dan's house, and use dan's old phone. he decides to go walk there, a mission in itself, in shorts. within a moment or two, he changes his mind due to the ridiculously cold temperature outside. he comes back in, looking for his bag which has his trousers(which he spillt gravy on) only to discover that they, too, have been soaked from the water incident.

12) peeved off at this point, he heads off upstairs to get a pair of spare trousers, which he then can't button up, at which point he exclaims "why is everything going wrong today? i am annoyed"

so. yeh. today has been eventful, and i've pretty much been in hysterics all day with matt.

what a character he is.

i'm sure there's more things that went wrong too, but those are the ones i can think of.

do boys really think about sex every 7 seconds?

2008-02-10T21:21:00.000Z

Well. If that was true, we wouldn't be able to complete a sentence without... hmm, tits...

...er. right. sorry. but... well, from the moment we're old enough to realise our schlong is for more than 'going wee-wee', we're keen to put it to use. In other words: we want sex.

And this topic is on our mind a lot. But the seven-second claim is just a silly statistic, it makes us sound like pathetic morons completely controlled by our knobs. And that's only partly true.

Doing maths homework, watching Match of the Day, visiting our Nan - we can perform these tasks for hours without drifting into the land of filth. The rest of the time - hands up, we admit it - we've got active imaginations. And the breast, I mean best, thing is that no one can tell.

But that doesn't mean our minds are a never-ending fuzz of sordid thoughts. Can you imagine? We wouldn't be able to walk in a straight line. No, it's more likely we'll get a funny tingle from a pretty face, or a whiff of the perfume our ex used to have.

So, it's not good spying on a boy with a stopwatch and trying to figure out when his thoughts get naughty - you sicko! It can happen anytime... Tits!

Help me.

male genitalia

2008-02-10T21:01:00.000Z

i suppose, if you're a girl, it's difficult to imagine having a cock and balls.

my advice? don't even try.

Having a willy is ace, but it is, undoubtedly bizarre, and comes with it's own set of problems. Many of these problems are related to space and ... fitting things in, down there, so to speak. For example: imagine putting on your (under)pants every morning, then stuffing a big bag of fruit pastilles down there. That is a tight squeeze.

So if you see a boy fiddling with his package, don't worry, it's -normally- not a sexual thing. It is purely for sorting out matters of comfort. There's a lot of movement down there, lots of swinging, and bumping and, if you're unlucky, chaffing. There's also lots of direct contact with boxers and zips and, if you're lucky, thighs. Occasional adjustments are a necessity. It's like trying to pack an extra toilet bag into a suitcase that's already full. Plus: tight jeans are no fun, and there are some very tight jeans on the market these days. It's a wonder Russell Brand can get so much use out of his.

Granted, it's not very hygienic or endearing, and I can't condone boys doing it in full view of the world. But the fact is, putting one's hands down one's pants is rather comforting. It's a sensitive area, and we'll do pretty much anything to keep it safe. It's like a mother cradling a baby. When boys say that they are 'just checking that they're still there' it's not that far from the truth.

...on that note, I must stop typing immediately.

hi.

2008-02-10T11:02:00.000Z

okay. things have been a little crazy past week or so.

read: coming to terms with last saturday's post. o.0 cryptic.

also, work has been a bit hectic, as i haven't been for quite a few weeks and need to get back on track with things, which is a lot more difficult than it should be. and it's annoying because i have all new people to work with (as uh, 'patients'? and there's a new physio) and i miss some of the old ones i had, some of them were loads of fun and i hope i see them again, hopefully outside of the physio world, as that would mean they're injured again! and yeah, the new physio guy is pretty cool though, about my age (21, 22 i think, i didn't ask) and newly qualified, he's from hull so has a funny accent but is otherwise coolio.

allllllso: big surprise yesterday, my cousin rosa turned up because she couldn't come for the wedding due to work commitments and stuff (she's a journalist for some newspaper in verona), and will be hanging around for a week or two, which is good because we can really catch up. i haven't seen her for almost a year, i think, and not really talked to her for 2 or 3, and she's loads of fun which is great. also: she came with her girlfriend(read: wife/partner, but italy doesn't approve very much of same-sex marriage/civil union) who is also a bundle of fun and ah. omg. she's SO pretty(not as pretty as Laura, thankfully =D) but ee, she's seriously pretty though. rosa's pretty much gorgeous too, but i don't think i should say that because she's my cousin? :\

so. yeah. awkward.

...bye.

Polizia

2008-02-06T19:09:00.000Z

"In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say "Stop, or I'll say stop again.""

Things get complicated when knives and the welfare of my wife get involved.

Ant 1. Would-be Mugger 0.

Out of control Pt. II

2008-02-03T21:33:00.000Z

See this.

difficult conversation, gestation fascination

2008-02-02T18:30:00.000Z

Life is different now.

Dum spiro, spero

2008-01-26T18:13:00.000Z

"No day is so bad it can't be fixed with a nap."

Maybe I should take my own advice

2008-01-25T20:18:00.000Z

"Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections."

Out of control

2008-01-25T19:56:00.000Z

Frustration is killing me right now - The worst feeling in the world is knowing you could help someone, but you can't at the necessary moment in time.

And then I get frustrated because I'm frustrated - are my actions of trying to fix an issue, actually hurting the person instead of helping them?

And then I feel lost, and wishful that perhaps I could have gone back a step in time and tried again, and this time using a better method within the limited opportunity I had.

I'm sorry to anyone I've let down. I wish I could do more.

"A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally." - Oscar Wilde

why...

2008-01-24T20:14:00.000Z

... does it hurt when you least expect it?

WEDDING

2008-01-18T17:16:00.000Z

TOMORROW.

what...

2008-01-13T08:26:00.000Z

what happened last night?

really. please. someone tell me.

why do boys like lesbians?

2008-01-12T08:47:00.000Z

well. let's put it this way.

do you like puppies?

of course you do, everyone likes puppies. and it's so fun to watch a puppy play. it's even more fun to watch two puppies play. now imagine six puppies, all frolicking with each other. all those floppy ears jiggling around. how cute. cuter than one puppy, don't you think? me too.

that is why boys like lesbians.

more is better. boys are simple like that. one girl = good. two girls = better. three girls = even better, and so on. girls doing things to girls that we'd like to do to girls? brilliant. because they're both girls. everything is brilliant.

it's not the ins and outs of lesbianism that turns us on. we don't find lesbians any hotter than straight girls. but it's like a buy one get one free deal at the supermarket. even if the pizza on offer isn't your favourite, it's hard to ignore the chance of getting twice as much grub for the same price.

girls out there: this doesn't mean we'll be upset if you don't fancy lezzing it up now and then. one nice girl is more than enough to keep us happy. it's just like having another slice of pizza when we're already full - we're being greedy.

:)

2007-12-30T07:31:00.000Z

falling into that beautiful thing called Love.

Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love.

Attraction. Flirtation. Euphoria. Doubt. The Truth.

(Also known as the big thing, the real deal, or, the most important part of this whole sloppy, thrilling, infuriating, marvelous experience.)

So, this is love. As wondrous and scary and fabulous as it can be. It may have started with mere friendship and attraction, but where it's ended up is somewhere deeper and truer and endlessly more fulfilling.
And, despite yourself, you will have learned a little something along the way. That euphoria doesn't have to be fleeting. That love can survive doubt. That a joyful instinct should never be repressed.

And so,
you throw yourself into love,
Heartfirst.

like...

2007-12-30T07:25:00.000Z

like falling upwards in a jungle, just because there's trees.

like eating black forest gateau on a mountain top.

like diving through fire to get into the swimming pool.

there's some sort of forlorn irony here, but i can't quite find it.

last night...

2007-12-28T10:48:00.000Z

...was a mistake. i'm never drinking that much again.

at least until new year's.

christmas tree

2007-12-28T07:19:00.000Z

how long am i allowed to keep it up for?

family lunches

2007-12-27T14:41:00.000Z

why do they barely involve eating?

it's my birthday

2007-12-27T08:40:00.000Z

...why don't i feel any older?

weddings

2007-12-26T20:16:00.000Z

why is there always so much to do when organising a wedding, even though everything's been sorted?

so. blogging. right-ho.

2007-12-26T20:12:00.001Z

i don't even know why i'm bothering, because no-one's going to read this.

...except you, obviously.

see what i did there? broke the 4th wall or... whatever it's called.

so. hi.

my name's ant, and everything interesting you need to know about me is in my profile.

i'll likely give up on blogging within 2 or 3 posts.

and.

that's it.

christ-almighty, stop pressing enter to make your post longer ant, you cheeky slag.

*sigh*

thanks for reading.

love,
ant.